Love's Journey

I write frequently of love. When I do write, that is. Oh where do I start today? Let's talk about the journey to love. Have I finally found my twin, you ask? Is my heart filled with the love of being in union with another? Actually no, but I have indeed found love. A deep, heart-warming, universal love that has enveloped my entire physical body and extends beyond. I am in love. I am in love with life, with the journey, with every person that has ever been, and is now, a part of my life. I am in love with me. 

A reader once told me I would find my true love and purpose around the age of 52. Being only in my early twenties, I didn't believe her. I didn't want to believe her. But she was right. Here I am at 54 (she was off by two years) and I have finally found the love I have been seeking my entire life. Just like Santiago in The Alchemist I had to take the journey to come home to myself. 

What makes me the most giddy though is that my journey is not over. In fact, it is on to the next adventure - pause here, oh wow a white feather just floated in front of me and settled on my desk. And, for those of you who have read my previous posts, confirmation indeed - now where was I? Oh yes! My most recent adventure started in October of 2019. I bought a house. A little, 1949 house with a very large yard. Just the story of how the house came to be mine is a story within itself, and I will post that at a later date. It was the energy of the land that pulled me in. She spoke to me and I felt a calling to my heart. As each day passes I feel the calling more and more strongly. I have been an intuitive helping people navigate their own lives since I was fifteen. When raising my children I didn't read as much, life was very busy at that time, but as they grew up I returned to my gift. And my gift has expanded. Now I feel as if I am finally falling into the 'why' of being an intuitive. And it is connected to my home. 

I am now in the process of creating my own sanctuary and will become a sanctuary for my guests. A place to find comfort, peace and healing. And, to have a whole lotta fun. I am stepping fully into the gift I came to this world to offer. To become the healer I have always been. But first, I had to heal. I had to experience life to be able to actually live.

So, how does all of this connect to love? Well, it was my journey to where I am now in my life, a single woman of 54 years, a Mother who survived the death of her son, a Mother of a lovely 24 year old daughter, a daughter myself, sibling, friend and oh so much more. I am many things but my truth, and the consistent of my being is that I am love. And I have always been here, forgotten, lost, and then once again found. Found though my journey. 

Walk A Mile - Flashback, Part 1

How ironic that when you have the best day of your life the little details escape memory – but have the worst day of your life and you can recall each and every moment. The anniversary of my son’s death is approaching. Anniversary, what an inappropriate word to use for the return of tragedy. Anniversary makes me think of celebrations and laughter. I have a friend who is from Peru who feels this is an opportunity to celebrate. Celebrate his life and honor the man he was. I think I like that approach and I am going to give it a try. But first, I need to allow the memories, what I call the flashback, to surface so I can hopefully cope in a more suitable manner. I say surface, because I try not to think about the end of January 2017. I pull a cover, like a dark-out curtain over my mind to block out the pain.

It was a Saturday night when my sons best friend called my ex-husband to tell him he had Dallas at the University of Utah hospital. He asked if we could come down as he was not sure what else to do. Dallas didn’t want to be there, but his blood alcohol level was .590 when he was admitted. When I arrived, there was a guard outside of his door and he went on alert as soon as a female entered the room, even though I am his Mother. I was tired, this was not the first time I had been in the hospital with my son. It was not the first time I listened to him as he went on a rant one moment and then shift into telling me (for the 9^th, 10^th, 11^th time…) in extreme detail how to machine to one millionth of a millimeter a metal part that will be used in aircraft where precision is imperative. Dallas was a Machinist and also brilliant. Not just smart, but brilliant. Facts fascinated him although he cared very little about politics or world events. Sadness in the world was too much for his empathy. And he hated ignorance and prejudice above all else.

He was especially fired up this evening and we had just gotten him to agree to be admitted so they could keep him until he made it through the DT’s. If you have never been around a person who is coming off a drug you will not understand how dangerous and difficult it is. Alcohol is no exception. Most people I have talked to think it is the heavy drugs that cause hallucinations and run the risk of death. I think alcohol is one of the worst due to this misconception. An alcoholic is an addict.

Dallas suddenly decided he was not going to stay. He is 23 years old and there is nothing we could do to keep him there. He did agree to go home with my then separated husband to Kamas. I knew what was coming and a little guiltily for feeling so, I felt a sense of relief. As we were walking out of the door of the hospital I walked up to my son, who is just over 6’ and hugged him. He leaned his head down and rubbed his cheek against mine and said, “I love you Mom”. I could feel the soft peach fuzz that coated his cheek and smell his warm scent. This memory I never try to block out. This memory I cherish and hold in my heart and think about as much as I can. I wonder though, if there was some part of him that knew the events that were to come. Not on a conscious level but a deeper level. One we will not understand until we move into the next dimension called death.

24 Hours later Brett, my ex-husband drove him home. He wanted to come home. I think because his Dad had not seen some of the things I had, and I was already ‘safe’. I was the one who had went through the waves of emotion, joy, pain, reflection, hatred, tears and anger of a young man trying to fight the monkey on his back. It didn’t matter what Dallas said to me when he was drinking. I love my child with every fiber of my being, and It wasn’t my son anyway. It is a vile dragon that changes the way the brain functions. It is the darkness that descends upon an already vulnerable young man in a messed up, cruel world. Yet, even when the dragon was swallowing him whole, he was still compassionate and tender. You could see his pain in his eyes. He had such beautiful big brown eyes. And even when they were losing their light, they looked upon me with love. Yes, he came home and brought his .22 rifle with him.

Walk a Mile

It has been a long time since I posted. I have been writing but my life has changed so much. I no longer have the same faith I had in spirituality when I began this blog. I was so young and inexperienced. Not by age; age has nothing to do with experience. And, to be quite honest I wish I was still as unaware of how brutal life can be. I was filled with hope and the fantasy of belief. I made decisions based on an unrealistic outcome. I was so busy seeking confirmation of my worth and wanted to be loved so badly I couldn’t see the love that was right in front of my face. I chose to leave the one and only man who truly held my heart. And in the midst of mourning the loss of my marriage my son chose to end his life. I was suddenly propelled from one death into another. On February 1, 2017 I lost my little boy, my son Dallas. I was in a meeting the morning he died. I was unable to focus, feeling anxious but not knowing why, and as I sat there, I felt his soul pass through mine. It was as if I was in a wind tunnel and couldn’t catch my breath. I was unable to hold myself up straight as vertigo engulfed me. I wasn’t sure what had happened, but I knew the moment I returned to my office and my daughter and husband were there to meet me. My heart was already broke in two but it shattered that day.

It is coming upon the two year mark of his passing and I am finally ready to share his story, and mine. I am not healed, I am not moving on, I am surviving. I still wake in the middle of the night in shock that he is no longer here. As I wake each morning, the first thought that enters my mind is the I no longer have a son. I see young men who remind me of him, and my chest fills with intense pain. I never knew that a heart break could actually cause physical pain. I miss him. I think about him a thousand times a day. I mourn the loss of each celebration I will no longer share with him. I mourn not meeting the girl he would marry. I mourn the loss of holding his first born and the children that may have followed. I miss his laugh. I miss his beautiful face and big brown eyes. I miss his compassion and know he was just too kind to live in a world filled with so much pain and sorrow. So, I will carry the burden of his loss. I will be strong for those who loved him. I will be a support for my daughter and bring what joy I am able to her life. She suffers too. We all do.

No, my life is no longer magical. It is just life. I will share my journey in honor of my son, Dallas. As he had so much to say but nobody was listening. They still may not. But I will share anyway as Dallas has a beautiful voice. It’s time to ‘Walk a Mile’ with him.

On this harvest moon

Come a little bit closer
Hear what I have to say
Just like children sleepin'
We could dream this night away.

But there's a full moon risin'
Let's go dancin' in the light
We know where the music's playin'
Let's go out and feel the night.

Because I'm still in love with you
I want to see you dance again
Because I'm still in love with you
On this harvest moon.

When we were strangers
I watched you from afar
When we were lovers
I loved you with all my heart.

But now it's gettin' late
And the moon is climbin' high
I want to celebrate
See it shinin' in your eye.

Because I'm still in love with you
I want to see you dance again
Because I'm still in love with you
On this harvest moon.

Because I'm still in love with you
I want to see you dance again
Because I'm still in love with you
On this harvest moon.

These are the lyrics to Neil Young's song Harvest Moon. These lyrics ring so true to my heart at this moment.  The funny thing is that I am not a big fan of Neil Young.  Perhaps that is changing, as is everthing.  Perhaps I never really understood the depth of his lyrics and songwriting.  I am not so sure I ever understood the meaning of many love songs - and yes this is a love song.  Not just about being in love but rekindling lost love. 

When I was a small child I had to see every Disney movie that came out.  At that time the main theme was always about prince charming coming in and sweeping his true love off their feet and carrying them into 'happily ever after'.  I believed this and knew one day my prince charming would step in and save me.  I was in love with the idea of being loved.  Loved so much it was painful to not be together.  Loved so much we could both see it shining in our eyes.  Which takes me back to the song.  You see, I think the moon is the reflection of love.  When we are in love our eyes smile, they shine. Especially when gazing upon our beloved.  

I know this as I once had a love like this - he had smiling eyes.  Beautiful sky blue shining eyes.  But we feel into that dream state - like a small child.  And the light, the smile in our eyes dimmed.  And then as we feel further into our dreams we forgot how to dance.  Not just with each other but in life.  The dream state became so comfortable just like the bed and glass case that held Sleeping Beauty, and a deep slumber took over. 

As I lay in my dream state I traveled far seeking that shine.  The look of love reflecting back to me what I was feeling.  But I was still in the dream.  Then, a day not too distant this song came on and like the kiss of a prince I awoke and knew that I wanted to dance again under a moon with my beloved - my prince with the smiling eyes.  I want to see those shining eyes gaze upon me with the same light they once held. 

I play this song several times a day.  Each time I listen to his song tears come to my eyes.  The man with the smiling eyes now shine upon another.  Perhaps I slept too long.  But I still have hope.  I have hope because soon it is the Harvest Moon.  And I will be waiting under the moonlight to dance again.

Affirmation

"I make the commitment to kindly, gently, lovingly and supportively realize the source of love within me so that I can love others selflessly."

The above is more than a comment, it is an affirmation, one I have chosen to state and work on. Today I had a session with a wonderful healer who is a Kinesiologist. She assists people to find the places within their bodies that are holding old belief patterns. The body actually stores information in the muscle tissue. Sometimes the information is false but is held none the less. What surprised me the most was that the old beliefs I have been holding onto were embedded in my muscles at the time of my birth. And, not only in my muscle tissue but in my etheric body. The etheric body is the energy body just outside of the physical body. It is the golden egg that surrounds us and is the blueprint of our physical existence. It is as much a part of who we are as our flesh, blood and bone. Shock, trauma and/or stresses that happen to us throughout our lives are leaving imprints upon our bodies and energy fields. Working with her has opened my eyes and heart to the pain I was holding onto. The session was quit amazing and I can actually feel the release beginning to take place. Kinesiology is not just mental but physical work involving the muscles, meridians and chakras.

As I left I was very aware of the people driving next to me, the people standing in line at the post office, my children as they walked into the door. What beliefs are they holding onto that no longer serves them, or causes them pain and sorrow. What beliefs are holding any of us back from giving and receiving love, from success, from abundance, from healing? I no longer want to allow false beliefs about myself to prohibit me from reaching my highest potential. From loving who I am and offering that love within me to others. To allow people to touch my life as I have so often touched theirs. So, I have made the commitment to myself to heal the wounded child (baby) within. To repeat this and other affirmations, to open myself up to the flow of love. To do the work needed with her gentle, loving assistance to become the best that I am capable. It is not easy to make this type of commitment but I am worth the effort.

Love Song

Deep within the well of the Soul lies the most beautiful song you could ever hear - the song of your own signature love and vibration.

I have learned how to let go of the preconceived idea of what love is - to fulfill that balance of the yin and yang outside of myself. I already have the love I need within my very being. I dishonor myself when I look beyond and accept less then I myself would bestow upon another. I give love more freely when I have no attachments placed upon it. I can love with all my heart and no longer expect that love will be returned. Besides it isn't the love returned that makes us feel whole. What we really desire is to hold that feeling of love in ourselves, to hear our own song.

My song has shown me that I am beauty, I am compassion and I am power. I walk with grace and know that my light stretches far beyond my physical body. The gifts I willingly share are but an extension of the love I carry within myself. Because I feel such comfort within, I have no fear of allowing others to hear my song. Perhaps this will help others to stop and listen… to pause and pick up the softly played notes of their own vibrational melody.

Star Being

Each morning as I begin my day, I like to send gratitude out to the universe when I shower because I feel so fortunate to have running hot water and to use such a glorious gift from the Mother. Today something was a little bit different - in a wonderful way. As the warmth enveloped me I could feel my body, really feel my body. I felt the casement surrounding my soul body. The blood, flesh and bone that make up the physical being that I am...... and then, I could feel the light body within begin to expand and grow beyond this soft, flexible shell. I became so expansive and while still retaining the feeling of my physical body I established a connection to the stars, as if I was a star or once was and will be once again. My light was one with the many other lights, shining, pulsing, merging. Shooting through the galaxy and beyond into other galaxies, with an infinite number of stars and shining beings. I felt myself smiling and that others were smiling with me. Bright, beautiful star beings all connecting through our particles of luminosity. It was incredible and spontaneous and I can still feel the glow from the experience.

~Namaste