Walk a Mile

It has been a long time since I posted. I have been writing but my life has changed so much. I no longer have the same faith I had in spirituality when I began this blog. I was so young and inexperienced. Not by age; age has nothing to do with experience. And, to be quite honest I wish I was still as unaware of how brutal life can be. I was filled with hope and the fantasy of belief. I made decisions based on an unrealistic outcome. I was so busy seeking confirmation of my worth and wanted to be loved so badly I couldn’t see the love that was right in front of my face. I chose to leave the one and only man who truly held my heart. And in the midst of mourning the loss of my marriage my son chose to end his life. I was suddenly propelled from one death into another. On February 1, 2017 I lost my little boy, my son Dallas. I was in a meeting the morning he died. I was unable to focus, feeling anxious but not knowing why, and as I sat there, I felt his soul pass through mine. It was as if I was in a wind tunnel and couldn’t catch my breath. I was unable to hold myself up straight as vertigo engulfed me. I wasn’t sure what had happened, but I knew the moment I returned to my office and my daughter and husband were there to meet me. My heart was already broke in two but it shattered that day.

It is coming upon the two year mark of his passing and I am finally ready to share his story, and mine. I am not healed, I am not moving on, I am surviving. I still wake in the middle of the night in shock that he is no longer here. As I wake each morning, the first thought that enters my mind is the I no longer have a son. I see young men who remind me of him, and my chest fills with intense pain. I never knew that a heart break could actually cause physical pain. I miss him. I think about him a thousand times a day. I mourn the loss of each celebration I will no longer share with him. I mourn not meeting the girl he would marry. I mourn the loss of holding his first born and the children that may have followed. I miss his laugh. I miss his beautiful face and big brown eyes. I miss his compassion and know he was just too kind to live in a world filled with so much pain and sorrow. So, I will carry the burden of his loss. I will be strong for those who loved him. I will be a support for my daughter and bring what joy I am able to her life. She suffers too. We all do.

No, my life is no longer magical. It is just life. I will share my journey in honor of my son, Dallas. As he had so much to say but nobody was listening. They still may not. But I will share anyway as Dallas has a beautiful voice. It’s time to ‘Walk a Mile’ with him.